A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
