clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
