I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
