Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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