Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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