Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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