The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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