R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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