so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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