got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
