the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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