barbara walters just said penis...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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