my room smells like sperm. sweet.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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