just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
