I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
