dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
