Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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