I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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