You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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