There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
