I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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