Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
