Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
