if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
