Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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