Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
