Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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