Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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