mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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