So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
