dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
