Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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