You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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