If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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