"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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