just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
