I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
