im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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