I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
