I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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