I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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