I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
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You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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