he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
