Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
