trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
