just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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