Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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