My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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