Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
