He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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