U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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