That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
