I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
